there’s this nagging suspicion

Today I had one of those moments of sudden realization that vastly improve life more than you’d ever imagine. I was looking at some runway pictures because that’s apparently something I do now and I noticed that in the light of the cameras I could see hair on the models’ thighs. Runway models! Who spend their entire lives being dressed and undressed and photographed and manhandled by G-d knows how many people!

Models don’t shave their thighs, guys. Do you know how wonderful this is?

I feel like if I ever have children — and especially if I have daughters — I’m going to be one of those obnoxious parents who leave inspirational messages all over the house for them to find. But instead of inspiring, they’ll be things like, ‘If you pop that pimple, I will light your Bieber CDs on fire’ and ‘No one cares about your thigh hair; the internet told me so’. And they will be forever embarrassed of me and wonder why the universe has cursed them with such a ridiculous mother.

My father has taught me so well.


important notice

This is what happens when you don’t send them fifty bucks right now immediately.

important notice

That’s okay, World Poetry Movement. I’m not publishing your poem either.


an open letter to a friend, in honour of valentine’s day

Alright, coffee thermos.  Here’s the thing.

I know you’re angry because I ‘never wash you’ — which is totally a lie, for the record, because I definitely found you in the sink on Monday and it was the clean side of the sink before you even think about getting all sassy on me; we have a system — but do you really have to keep dribbling coffee on my desk every time I try to drink out of you?  I understand that you were a free gift and maybe that makes you feel like I don’t expect a lot of you.  I DON’T expect a lot out of you, coffee thermos.  Namely, I expect you to house coffee so that I may drink it.  Which is your intended purpose.  I appreciate your feelings and I respect your need to express them, but this passive aggression has got to stop.

And, yes, I have been eyeing that other thermos, the one with the Starship Enterprise blueprints printed on it.  But last time I checked, we were not in an exclusive relationship.  I can see other beverage containers.  This is not an all or nothing kind of deal, coffee thermos.

Honestly, you’re embarrassing yourself.  Get a grip or we are going to break up.

Respectfully submitted,



What’s up, internet?  Long time no see.

There’s not a lot of purpose to this post.  It was a rough weekend and thinking kind of hurts.  However, if you do any reading over at my original fiction blog, you might notice that I’ve edited everything so that it’s under my pen name. I haven’t been hacked or gotten my stuff stolen; I’m just trying to keep things a little bit subtle just in case any potential future employers (or worse: my mother) are smart enough to surf the internet for me.

This is the side effect of having a weird name. Also: constant misspellings.

I might post some new fiction later today, so keep your eyes peeled.

the post that exploded

So last night I told my cold to suck it and went to see a Frightened Rabbit concert. Had the best of times imaginable and I’m so glad I went. Seriously, if these guys are playing anywhere near you, go see them. They do not disappoint. I got to hear a Scot say ‘grumpy’ and ‘chutzpah’, which is ADORABLE by the way. Best time I’ve had semi-sober and sitting in a balcony in ages.

However, this meant that I didn’t get home until almost one o’clock in the damn morning and I am now completely sleep deprived and punchy. So here are all of my thoughts about my day.

Reading Jenny Lawson’s amazing blog is inspiring me to keep better track of my own sorry blog. I’m hoping this will encourage me to write more. I got really depressed a couple of months ago and stopped writing all together. It was a poor choice. I’m feeling a lot better now and didn’t do anything stupid, so I’m trying to kick myself in the ass a little and get back to actually creating things. Other than hats. Which I can now make. I’m so glad I have opposable thumbs.

I started wearing a watch again for the first time since middle school recently. I’d sat on the purchase for a really, really long time because, while the watch is adorable and just punk rock enough to take me back to those bygone days of my high school Sex Pistols phase, it was far more expensive than any watch I have ever bought because I grew up in Central Illinois and we buy Wal-Mart watches there. This was a run-on sentence. But I have a spending problem, so I bought it. I am now wearing it all the damn time. Good purchase? Apparently so. But anyway, I have forgotten what it’s like to wear a watch. Cell phones aren’t allowed in my office during work hours, so I don’t have a clock on me at all times. I was in the bathroom a few minutes ago and happened to look at my wrist.

‘Holy shit!’ I thought, ‘It’s five past eleven.’

‘Holy shit!’ I then thought, ‘I’m in the loo and I CAN FIND OUT THE TIME.’

Clearly, I have mastered every part of modern civilization. Prepare for my robotic inventions to hit the shelves any day now.

I’m leaving town at the crack of dawn tomorrow to see the folks for a couple of days. Should be an interesting trip, full of emotions. This will be the first time I’ve been home since our beloved and constantly crabby cat Snowflake passed away. Not sure how empty the house is going to feel. This will also be the first time I’ve been home since my brother moved in with our godmother. Da asked if I wanted to help him move JPalm’s stuff. I laughed heartily. Mum will be rehearsing downstate all day Saturday, so I should get plenty of Chuck the Potions Master stories in. They are, as always, bound to be epic.

I just ate a whole bag of cinnamon Life because I’ve got the low blood sugar and/or sleepytime shakes. I make choices.

If you’ve followed this whole thing, please go buy yourself an ice cream cone. You deserve it.

another banner year, a splendid day

Awesome things that are happening today:

  1. I am not completely achey from helping friend Alicyn move into her new apartment, a nearly twelve-hour experience that was a load of fun but a very, very sweaty enterprise.
  2. Man Utd beat Fulham 3 to 2 yesterday. There was much rejoicing in my apartment this morning.
  3. It’s raining.
  4. I’m having a quiet morning of black coffee and soft music, just me and Lemansky. It’s the little things.
  5. I am actually enjoying the experience of having a crush on someone. I think it helps that the person I’m crushing on isn’t going through a massive family tragedy or a divorce and seems to be returning my crushy sentiments.

It’s been a tough year and I’ve been going through a lot of stuff in my head, which is never pleasant. But it helps to have quiet Sunday mornings where you can just sit and write a little and send someone flirty texts. And it helps to write all of the good stuff down and remind yourself that you’re going to get through the bad stuff, just like you always have.

As Jenny Lawson says, depression is a lying bastard. I’m just glad I’m remembering that this morning.

let’s get drunk and talk about periods

So here’s something about me that you never thought you’d know.

I haven’t had a real, honest-to-goodness period in about two years. This isn’t due to any abnormality or constant reproduction or anything like that, so don’t panic. I was put on a birth control pill that my body responded to very well and it allowed that part of the menstrual cycle to be cut out of my life. It just happened. I got used to it.

This past fall, however, my prescription price more than doubled. It’s caused a huge strain on my wallet and I can’t justify paying so much on a medication when there are other options available to me. Let’s face it: there’s a plethora of birth control options out there. So when I saw my lady doctor about a month ago, I told her about my problem (she was not aware that the pricing had changed; their rep. hadn’t thought to share that little bit of information) and she gave me a generic prescription instead.

I am now in the process of having my first period in two years.

Now, I’m not going to get into the gory details of menstruation. This isn’t a post like that. I think everyone here has a basic understanding of the process. I will say that I have been in pretty consistent pain since at least Sunday and it’s a little overwhelming. But this is making me think, as many things do.

Looking back on my life, I’m realizing that the process of becoming a woman (or womyn, if you prefer) has been an unpleasant one for many reasons. I remember feeling sore throughout the early stages of puberty when my body was ‘filling out’, as my mother so daintily put it. There was my parents’ constant squashing of my sexual awakening at the same time that so many outside forces were beginning to sexualize me. There were the too-small bras, the hair pulling, the menstrual cramps, the doctors’ probing questions, the massive ovarian cyst of one high school summer. And now, looking toward the future, I have childbirth to consider, menopause, and, of course, the seeming never-ending cat-calls and eye-fucks and fear.

I know this gets said a lot, but being a lady kind of sucks.

At the same time, I find myself fiercely proud of my body and of the women I know who have made it to this point: the point of being a woman. Every girl I know has had a day where she stabbed herself in the eye while putting on eyeliner. Every girl I know has had her hair yanked or pulled out while someone was trying to primp her so that she Looked Pretty. Every girl has had cramps and mishaps and razor burn and awkward parental experiences while in the terrifying process of figuring all this shit out. And I rather enjoy the fact that we can talk about our periods and someone else can relate to my story of my mother trying to demonstrate proper tampon procedure when I wanted to go to the pool when I was twelve.

It’s amazing to me to see women continue to be strong and independent despite everything that’s against us. Politicians call us whores and we won’t get paid deserved wages and we have to reenact that scene from Alien on a regular basis just for the species to survive, but we keep on trucking along and just trying to live our lives. I love that women have taken beauty aspects that society has pushed for and made them their own. Yes, the shoes hurt, but I look damn good and I know it. Maybe some second-wavers (or third-wavers, for that matter) won’t agree, but I can’t help but be proud when I see a girl strutting her stuff and stopping traffic. At the same time, I am downright gleeful when someone in ripped jeans and Birkenstocks is reading Gloria Steinem on the train, or a mother in sweats running with her child in the park.

I’m just so proud of all of us.

It’s nasty business, growing up. But we’ve made it this far. I think that’s kind of incredible.

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