there’s this nagging suspicion

Today I had one of those moments of sudden realization that vastly improve life more than you’d ever imagine. I was looking at some runway pictures because that’s apparently something I do now and I noticed that in the light of the cameras I could see hair on the models’ thighs. Runway models! Who spend their entire lives being dressed and undressed and photographed and manhandled by G-d knows how many people!

Models don’t shave their thighs, guys. Do you know how wonderful this is?

I feel like if I ever have children — and especially if I have daughters — I’m going to be one of those obnoxious parents who leave inspirational messages all over the house for them to find. But instead of inspiring, they’ll be things like, ‘If you pop that pimple, I will light your Bieber CDs on fire’ and ‘No one cares about your thigh hair; the internet told me so’. And they will be forever embarrassed of me and wonder why the universe has cursed them with such a ridiculous mother.

My father has taught me so well.


important notice

This is what happens when you don’t send them fifty bucks right now immediately.

important notice

That’s okay, World Poetry Movement. I’m not publishing your poem either.


an open letter to a friend, in honour of valentine’s day

Alright, coffee thermos.  Here’s the thing.

I know you’re angry because I ‘never wash you’ — which is totally a lie, for the record, because I definitely found you in the sink on Monday and it was the clean side of the sink before you even think about getting all sassy on me; we have a system — but do you really have to keep dribbling coffee on my desk every time I try to drink out of you?  I understand that you were a free gift and maybe that makes you feel like I don’t expect a lot of you.  I DON’T expect a lot out of you, coffee thermos.  Namely, I expect you to house coffee so that I may drink it.  Which is your intended purpose.  I appreciate your feelings and I respect your need to express them, but this passive aggression has got to stop.

And, yes, I have been eyeing that other thermos, the one with the Starship Enterprise blueprints printed on it.  But last time I checked, we were not in an exclusive relationship.  I can see other beverage containers.  This is not an all or nothing kind of deal, coffee thermos.

Honestly, you’re embarrassing yourself.  Get a grip or we are going to break up.

Respectfully submitted,



What’s up, internet?  Long time no see.

There’s not a lot of purpose to this post.  It was a rough weekend and thinking kind of hurts.  However, if you do any reading over at my original fiction blog, you might notice that I’ve edited everything so that it’s under my pen name. I haven’t been hacked or gotten my stuff stolen; I’m just trying to keep things a little bit subtle just in case any potential future employers (or worse: my mother) are smart enough to surf the internet for me.

This is the side effect of having a weird name. Also: constant misspellings.

I might post some new fiction later today, so keep your eyes peeled.