of losing total feeling

It’s been a pretty shitty week.  I watched Pi for the first time last Sunday and, like most weird art films about a crazy guy going especially crazy, it put me in a really weird mood.  Which would’ve been fine, except I’ve been in said weird mood ever since and nothing I do is managing to get me out of it.  In fact, it’s starting to feel as if the vast majority of the world is conspiring to keep me in said weird mood for the duration of the semester at least.  This idea is represented in the amount of school work my teachers are suddenly eager for me to complete, the extensive rehearsal periods where I sit and do nothing which are piled on extensive rehearsal periods for another show where I do pretty much everything, the surly weather, the absence of certain male companions, the presence of certain others, the insomnia, and my da suddenly deciding that the only option for my next year of life is returning to BTown and living in his basement.

Of course, at the heart of all of this falderal is the fact that I actually really enjoy weird art films about crazy guys going especially crazy.  I find them fascinating.  The vast majority of them are beautifully shot, have excellent soundtracks, and have Jewish protagonists.  What’s not to love?  In fact, I’m relatively certain that the causes of my love of weird crazy guy art films and my weird moods that result from them are directly linked: I feel very close to the main characters.  I feel as if that could be me someday.  This is both good and bad, I think.  While it’s wonderful to be drawn to art and characters, have a sense of belonging, feel as though you’re not alone in the world, etc., it would definitely be better for me to find a group of people to bond with who aren’t, in fact, crazy.  Just saying.

I don’t know how to articulate to my father the real reason why I don’t want to move back to BTown.  This is majorly complicated by the fact that he has no idea that the reason I don’t want to move back even occurred.  Because I haven’t told him.  And I don’t intend to any time soon.  Self-censorship is a terribly invasive thing.

It makes me nervous to think that the Gentleman Caller is still going to be on the interstate at two a.m.  I don’t know if this is because the weather’s been shitty and I’m afraid the roads are bad, or if it’s just that I’m terrified of being alone right now.

I’m beginning to see the benefits of taking Valium.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Tim O.
    Apr 26, 2010 @ 01:37:22

    I just put Paige on the train to Chicago. We had a sweet wekeend in Springfield with Bob and Arlene, Kimb’s folks. We did the Lincoln Museu, a nd the ISM (where Kimb and I worked and where Paige has been at least a hundred times in her life). We went swimming in the hotel pool and had lunch at Cafe Brio and generally had a wonderful time. I sure love my sweet daughters. They had a fine time together. We wooudl love to see you sometime. Hopefully you’ll see us this summer while living with Paige in Chicago. I don’t knnow what to say about dealing with your Dad. I wish my kids would just tell me everything, but I know tha tis just not likely to happen. I wish you the best and I hope the Gentleman Caller gets home safe and sound. We miss your, Kiri. Be well. Find out how to be happy and feel good about yourself. We think you are damned special. Tim


  2. ERik
    Apr 29, 2010 @ 16:30:44

    just stay away from power drills until school is out, and you’ll be fine. SO CLOSE!


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