pound your fist and cross it off your list

It’s almost the new year.  That’s exciting, I guess.

I have about two weeks left in BTown before school starts and I have no idea how I’m going to get through them.  I’ve gotten to the point with my mother where I’m hardly upstairs for breakfast before we start yelling at each other over the most mundane, ridiculous nonsense you could possibly think of.  Da’s home for the first time in two days today and I’m hiding in the basement instead of spending time with him because I can’t stand to be in the same room with my mother.  I’ve gotten to the point where I would rather alphabetise mix tapes than spend time with any member of my family and I have another fortnight of quality time with them.  This is insane.

I feel like my peers all have something to escape that I don’t have.  Their own apartments, a significant other’s residence, work, school, something to do that means they don’t have to associate with their family on a damn-near constant basis.  I don’t have that, really.  I have no reason to go back to Carbondale (at least not in my parents’ minds), I’m unemployed, and for the purposes of this argument, I’m homeless except for my room in their basement.  I’ve had several invitations from friends to just hole up in their apartments, but I can’t support myself enough to buy groceries or return the favour in any way.  I’m stuck.  I’m completely, hopelessly stuck.  And whenever I’m in this house, I feel more unhappy, unstable, and lonely than I’ve ever been in my entire life.

Denmark’s a prison.  Jesus, I want to go home.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. tim
    Jan 04, 2010 @ 15:46:43

    Well, it is the classic place between being in their life and having your own life. This time next year you’ll be working somewhere and you won’t have all this time off to go see the parents. You’ll in fact have less time with your Dad then you would hope for. The sad truth in this world is that things work out only about 25% of the time. Mostly we are just trying to live through the things we have to to get to the things we need and desire. It’s too cold for long walks. Have you considered hiding out at the library? Or going to a coffee shop and handwriting poetry? I note that it has been around two years since Panda’s Page of Porn has had a posting. Life trundles on. You can stand anything for a couple of weeks. Live in your head. Have fantasies. Make plans. Get exercise. All this will be the past in a very short time. Hey, come over and see us. We would take you in for a couple of days, if you’d like. In any case, like George Harrison pointed out, all things must pass. Tim

    Reply

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