but the idea just lives on

I had some rum.  And now I’m feeling pensive.  It doesn’t help that I’ve been in Bloomington for almost 72 hours and my grandparents were over today and I’m already itching to get the hell out of here.  It’s not that I don’t love my family or home or whatever; I really do.  I’ve been reminded of a lot of the things I love most about home since I’ve gotten here.  I have friendships here that are so different than the ones I have at school and my relationship with my da is something I treasure so, so much.  This morning I woke up with a twenty-five pound beige tabby on my feet and I started to remember what it feels like to be honest-to-G-d happy.  It’s brilliant.  I feel like I see the bad things and instantly want to run away.  I can’t handle the bad things.  They hurt too much.  I’m scared of them, I guess.

I had this very long and difficult conversation with my therapist on Thursday about why I don’t like myself and why I can’t think of myself as a good person.  I see the phrase–hell, I think the phrase–and I instantly feel like crying.  I don’t know, really, what exactly caused this to be my default response to the idea.  It’s been going on for a while and it’s really, really gotten old.  But it happens.  I know it happens.  I can’t take compliments and I can’t act seriously when people start suggesting that this phrase might apply to me.  I don’t think I’m a bad person.  Really, I don’t.  But I don’t think I deserve that kind of adoration.

I will never have children.  They might adore me.

I think the reason relationships are so difficult for me is that I can’t handle the amount of affection some people are interested in bestowing on me.  I think it’s fake and I run away from it.  My mum was trying to talk me up to our next door neighbour today and I kept negating everything she said.  I can’t take praise.  I would much rather handle criticism.  At least then I feel justified in going home and crying.

I’m so sick of crying.  This has been happening far too much in the past few months.

This is kind of angsty.  Apologies…

I really, really would like to lead a normal life.  Or at least normal in the sense that I’m functional.  The problem right now is, I think, that I’m too functional.  I’ve gotten so bloody good at bottling up all of the shit and keeping it in and repressing repressing repressing that when I finally do burst at the seams, I feel like a failure because of it.  So I start repressing even more.  Naturally, you can see the logical conclusion of this.  I’m so afraid of what other people think of me that I resist spending any amount of time with them.  I’ve got it into my head that my closest friends dislike me because of my sudden outbursts when I know FOR A FACT that this is not true.  My mind is trying to cut me out of everyone’s lives because I feel like I’m unworthy of the wonderful people in mine.  I don’t lie when I say that I have the best friends in the entire universe.  I just wish I could return the favour to them.

Frustrating thought of the evening:  I’m actually considering not moving to Chicago (the one place on Earth I have always wanted to live) because of a single person.  Even more frustrating:  this person is one of the most important and influential people in my life.  I’m scared.  I’m scared that it’ll make me worse.

I should go to bed.  Rum makes me wordy and I know it.

I wish I was pretty and I wish I could dress myself and I wish I could call Donovan and tell him we can’t be together because he has no concept of how to deal with people like me and I wish I could call someone else and tell him that I love him in more ways than one but that one way is light-years more important than the other and I wish I could call someone else and tell him that I went to therapy because I don’t know how to be happy without him and that makes me want to scream and cry and throw up and never see him again even though I do.  And I want to call my brother and tell him everything but I never will.  And I want to tell my parents but I’m scared of what they’ll do.  And I want to pack a bag and leave just go just run away from everything I know and start over because I some days do think you guys would be better off without me.  Which is a stupid thing to think but, then again, I’m kind of being stupid right now.

And I really want to go back in time and stay at Christie’s tonight instead of coming home because then I wouldn’t be hitting the wall I’m hitting right now.

I know it’ll be better in the morning and I’ll feel incredibly embarrassed for posting all of this.  But sometimes when you’ve had rum and far too much pizza and come home to see that your ex-girlfriend is still your facebook friend for reasons that completely escape you on a daily basis and that she’s posted something awful and sardonic about her daily life that you have no interest in knowing because she was still following your blog for years after you broke up, you just kind of have to blog-vomit and hope for the best.

I’m cleaning the house tomorrow.  My sanity is begging for it.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Christie-Bonnie
    Dec 13, 2009 @ 01:07:53

    Come home and have more rum! Miss you, ladybug!


  2. Asbjorn
    Dec 15, 2009 @ 19:38:56

    Well, I enjoy reading your prose voice and it has been awhile. So in all actuality I quite enjoyed this grisly, tragic post. It has all the classic Kiri-elements. Yes it is Emo, yes it treads water when it cannot find a logical rock to get a purchase on. But for all that it is a bit like a ballad. The Ballad of Kiri’s Inner Voice, slugging it out for self esteem. Maybe you have a sort of inflated idea of what being a good person is. Most people at least want to be a good person, and then lapse into being driven by their egos. To get what they want, primarily. This doesn’t make anyone necessarily a bad person, but it doesn’t make them necessarily a good one either. Just an average person, trying to survive another day. I had an old friend say to me recently that if they were given three wishes by some genie character, they would use all three to change things they had said or done in their life. I can relate to that. I wish I hadn’t done/said certain things, but I have struggled back to the state of “trying to be a good person.” The Buddha said that that is the best we will ever do, if we are honest with ourselves. It is impossible to attain the state of just a good person all the time because we live in a practical universe and are driven by our natural selves to get food and love and ignore problems.

    Well, I am turning over rocks for no other reason than that I am here. I do like reading Kiri’s prose. I would love to help you feel better. Any time you like you can come to Urbana and hang with Piper, Kimberly and myself and we will just play and laugh and it won’t be “about” anything at all.

    I am glad you’re in therapy. It can help. You have to struggle hard to be honest. That was always my downfall. Seeing past my ego’s needs/desires. Take care, Tim


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