for the snakes and beasts with the angel teeth

I spent the vast majority of today by myself.  So you know the kind of mood I’m in.

I made the mistake of watching part of Bride Wars on HBO tonight.  It got me thinking about marriage stuff and all of the things Stacy’s going to need to start getting taken care of in the next couple of months and all of the work we need to do over Winter Break.  I like organizing stuff okay, but I can’t help but be depressed when I’m helping with wedding things.  By no means do I want to go through that process ANY time soon, but I definitely feel like a failure when I see everyone I went to high school with (except the girls who still talk to me and, frankly, are much more awesome than the ones who don’t) getting married and/or having babies of all terrible things.  The one benefit is that I get to see everything they’re doing and it only helps to strengthen any ideas I’ve developed over the past couple of years.

I’ve  been slowly coming to terms with the fact that I really do want to get married, as much as the idea petrifies me.  I would like that connection in my life at some eventual point.  I don’t want to be alone forever.  Children are an entirely different issue and pregnancy scares the shit out of me.  There is no way I could afford a child at this point in my life and I’m shocked by all of the girls I know right now who are having them.  A wedding?  I could maybe swing that, especially considering the cheapness of all the very vague ideas I have.  Not that that’s even plausible right now since there are no willing options for marriage.  Having a possible fiancé is probably useful for a wedding, huh?

It’s really weird for me to think that if Marion and I had stayed together, she would’ve proposed.  And, knowing me as I was then, I would’ve said yes because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.  I could be married right now.  I’d be in Normal, probably.  My relationship with my parents would be terrible.  I wouldn’t have Lem.  I never would’ve met Callie or Sean or Randy or anyone.  I would never have had sex with a boy.  I wouldn’t even be thinking about moving to Chicago anymore because she wouldn’t want to go.  We’d probably have some shitty apartment in the Arbors or something, and I’d be graduating from ISU in May if I hadn’t flunked out yet or she hadn’t insisted we try something else.  Do you know how terrifying that is to think about?  How incredibly unhappy I could be right now?  I mean, I know I’m unhappy right now, but I’m trying to rectify that.  I’m in therapy, I’m working on myself, I’m actually talking about things with people! instead of bottling them up.  That’s not what would’ve happened with Marion.  When I put things this way, I’m a lot better off than I would’ve guessed I’d be back when all of this shit came to the forefront of my mind.

Wowzers.

I know it’s kind of dangerous to think in ‘what-ifs’, but this kind of ‘what-if’?  The kind that shows that you really did make the right decision?  I’m okay with that.  So far, I’ve managed to fix one of my two regrets, and the second one is looking like it could possibly mend one day.  Maybe if I keep on keeping on, I really will be able to avoid any more of them.

Take that, babymakers.  I’m doing okay.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Christie-Bonnie
    Nov 16, 2009 @ 01:00:00

    I think we talked about this. You are only supposed to watch shitty wedding movies with me because my antics distract you. Bad Kiri! Come home soon. Lets have a sleepover. I miss your face again.

    Love,
    Christie

    Reply

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