but the idea just lives on

I had some rum.  And now I’m feeling pensive.  It doesn’t help that I’ve been in Bloomington for almost 72 hours and my grandparents were over today and I’m already itching to get the hell out of here.  It’s not that I don’t love my family or home or whatever; I really do.  I’ve been reminded of a lot of the things I love most about home since I’ve gotten here.  I have friendships here that are so different than the ones I have at school and my relationship with my da is something I treasure so, so much.  This morning I woke up with a twenty-five pound beige tabby on my feet and I started to remember what it feels like to be honest-to-G-d happy.  It’s brilliant.  I feel like I see the bad things and instantly want to run away.  I can’t handle the bad things.  They hurt too much.  I’m scared of them, I guess.

I had this very long and difficult conversation with my therapist on Thursday about why I don’t like myself and why I can’t think of myself as a good person.  I see the phrase–hell, I think the phrase–and I instantly feel like crying.  I don’t know, really, what exactly caused this to be my default response to the idea.  It’s been going on for a while and it’s really, really gotten old.  But it happens.  I know it happens.  I can’t take compliments and I can’t act seriously when people start suggesting that this phrase might apply to me.  I don’t think I’m a bad person.  Really, I don’t.  But I don’t think I deserve that kind of adoration.

I will never have children.  They might adore me.

I think the reason relationships are so difficult for me is that I can’t handle the amount of affection some people are interested in bestowing on me.  I think it’s fake and I run away from it.  My mum was trying to talk me up to our next door neighbour today and I kept negating everything she said.  I can’t take praise.  I would much rather handle criticism.  At least then I feel justified in going home and crying.

I’m so sick of crying.  This has been happening far too much in the past few months.

This is kind of angsty.  Apologies…

I really, really would like to lead a normal life.  Or at least normal in the sense that I’m functional.  The problem right now is, I think, that I’m too functional.  I’ve gotten so bloody good at bottling up all of the shit and keeping it in and repressing repressing repressing that when I finally do burst at the seams, I feel like a failure because of it.  So I start repressing even more.  Naturally, you can see the logical conclusion of this.  I’m so afraid of what other people think of me that I resist spending any amount of time with them.  I’ve got it into my head that my closest friends dislike me because of my sudden outbursts when I know FOR A FACT that this is not true.  My mind is trying to cut me out of everyone’s lives because I feel like I’m unworthy of the wonderful people in mine.  I don’t lie when I say that I have the best friends in the entire universe.  I just wish I could return the favour to them.

Frustrating thought of the evening:  I’m actually considering not moving to Chicago (the one place on Earth I have always wanted to live) because of a single person.  Even more frustrating:  this person is one of the most important and influential people in my life.  I’m scared.  I’m scared that it’ll make me worse.

I should go to bed.  Rum makes me wordy and I know it.

I wish I was pretty and I wish I could dress myself and I wish I could call Donovan and tell him we can’t be together because he has no concept of how to deal with people like me and I wish I could call someone else and tell him that I love him in more ways than one but that one way is light-years more important than the other and I wish I could call someone else and tell him that I went to therapy because I don’t know how to be happy without him and that makes me want to scream and cry and throw up and never see him again even though I do.  And I want to call my brother and tell him everything but I never will.  And I want to tell my parents but I’m scared of what they’ll do.  And I want to pack a bag and leave just go just run away from everything I know and start over because I some days do think you guys would be better off without me.  Which is a stupid thing to think but, then again, I’m kind of being stupid right now.

And I really want to go back in time and stay at Christie’s tonight instead of coming home because then I wouldn’t be hitting the wall I’m hitting right now.

I know it’ll be better in the morning and I’ll feel incredibly embarrassed for posting all of this.  But sometimes when you’ve had rum and far too much pizza and come home to see that your ex-girlfriend is still your facebook friend for reasons that completely escape you on a daily basis and that she’s posted something awful and sardonic about her daily life that you have no interest in knowing because she was still following your blog for years after you broke up, you just kind of have to blog-vomit and hope for the best.

I’m cleaning the house tomorrow.  My sanity is begging for it.

for the snakes and beasts with the angel teeth

I spent the vast majority of today by myself.  So you know the kind of mood I’m in.

I made the mistake of watching part of Bride Wars on HBO tonight.  It got me thinking about marriage stuff and all of the things Stacy’s going to need to start getting taken care of in the next couple of months and all of the work we need to do over Winter Break.  I like organizing stuff okay, but I can’t help but be depressed when I’m helping with wedding things.  By no means do I want to go through that process ANY time soon, but I definitely feel like a failure when I see everyone I went to high school with (except the girls who still talk to me and, frankly, are much more awesome than the ones who don’t) getting married and/or having babies of all terrible things.  The one benefit is that I get to see everything they’re doing and it only helps to strengthen any ideas I’ve developed over the past couple of years.

I’ve  been slowly coming to terms with the fact that I really do want to get married, as much as the idea petrifies me.  I would like that connection in my life at some eventual point.  I don’t want to be alone forever.  Children are an entirely different issue and pregnancy scares the shit out of me.  There is no way I could afford a child at this point in my life and I’m shocked by all of the girls I know right now who are having them.  A wedding?  I could maybe swing that, especially considering the cheapness of all the very vague ideas I have.  Not that that’s even plausible right now since there are no willing options for marriage.  Having a possible fiancé is probably useful for a wedding, huh?

It’s really weird for me to think that if Marion and I had stayed together, she would’ve proposed.  And, knowing me as I was then, I would’ve said yes because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.  I could be married right now.  I’d be in Normal, probably.  My relationship with my parents would be terrible.  I wouldn’t have Lem.  I never would’ve met Callie or Sean or Randy or anyone.  I would never have had sex with a boy.  I wouldn’t even be thinking about moving to Chicago anymore because she wouldn’t want to go.  We’d probably have some shitty apartment in the Arbors or something, and I’d be graduating from ISU in May if I hadn’t flunked out yet or she hadn’t insisted we try something else.  Do you know how terrifying that is to think about?  How incredibly unhappy I could be right now?  I mean, I know I’m unhappy right now, but I’m trying to rectify that.  I’m in therapy, I’m working on myself, I’m actually talking about things with people! instead of bottling them up.  That’s not what would’ve happened with Marion.  When I put things this way, I’m a lot better off than I would’ve guessed I’d be back when all of this shit came to the forefront of my mind.

Wowzers.

I know it’s kind of dangerous to think in ‘what-ifs’, but this kind of ‘what-if’?  The kind that shows that you really did make the right decision?  I’m okay with that.  So far, I’ve managed to fix one of my two regrets, and the second one is looking like it could possibly mend one day.  Maybe if I keep on keeping on, I really will be able to avoid any more of them.

Take that, babymakers.  I’m doing okay.

all the space i’m taking up

True story: today is the twenty-first anniversary of my baptism.  I realised that last night and I’ve been thinking about it a lot.  My parents never lit the baptismal candle to celebrate the anniversary, but I’ve always known when it was.  I don’t know.  It’s weird to think about.

New news (in brief):

Life has been pretty wacky recently, not that that’s really anything new.  I’m finally down to one show a semester and could not be more relieved.  Sadly, that show is cursed.  We’ve lost a bunch of cast members to busy schedules, disinterest, and religious requirements, and some of our remaining cast members have been super sick recently.  We’ve got one and maybe two down with Swine Flu (which I call the Dreaded Walking Pig Death) and have had to cancel rehearsals because of it.  Not fun.  Makes for a great story, but not fun right now.  No no no.

I’m currently on a campaign to get my life together.  I’m trying to find a job for next semester and save up what little money I can for the Big Move in May.  It’s exciting and terrifying.  Mostly terrifying.  I really hope that I still have those government bonds my grandpa got me a while ago.  Those would be nice to invest with.  Yay!  Savings!

For anyone who didn’t know, I’ve been in therapy for about a month now.  I really like my therapist and things are going pretty well.  We’re getting into some scary stuff.  I was on antidepressants for a little while, but they were doing jack squat.  Well, actually, they were doing quite a lot: giving my headaches, making my nauseous, knocking me out, and causing suicidal thoughts.  But none of those things were really what I was going for, so I stopped taking them.  Good choice on my part.  Since I’m off of the pills, we’re trying some more homeopathic remedies.  My shrink gave me a big pack of information to look at (it reads king of like a self-help manual so far) and my mum’s trying to get me into needless acupuncture and reiki (yet again).  I feel so very zen.  In addition to that, I’ve been trying to change my diet to something a little healthier: a lot more vegetables, no more fast food (which is super difficult considering my amount of time and resources), tons and tons of water.  I don’t know if any of that’s working yet, but it’s something to try, right?

This whole ‘me work’ thing is hard.

Other than that, I’m applying to a bunch of different summer and fall work locations this week.  I’m hoping to start looking for apartments soon, but I’m not sure who I’m living with yet.  I’m also trying to spend more time outside or doing something quiet.  After this, I’m hitting up Stephen King and going to a dinner function at my mentor’s house.  Just keeping on keeping on.

All of this is convincing me that the trick to living a long and healthy-ish life is to just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Surround yourself with people who make you happy and fuck the rest.  There’s nothing wrong with telling someone you don’t want to be around them, especially if they make you feel negatively about yourself and your life.  I’m working a lot on the last bit; it’s hard to tell someone to go away.  But I’ve been trying to instill these ideas in my mind.  I need to remember that I’m an okay kid in the long run.  I forget that sometimes.

I don’t know.  I’m too tired to try and make this make sense.  How are you guys?