it’s my impeccable disorder

Once again, at least a month has passed since I got on WordPress.  I’m horrible at blogging.  Or I’m overly enthusiastic.  Just depends on the day.  Today: horrible.

I’m back down at school.  This is my last year of undergraduate education.  I feel like that should be more troubling than it is.  Of course, I was kind of over the whole thing when Randy and Laramie went and graduated, so maybe that’s why I’m not too bothered by it.  Who knows?

I’m on this campaign right now to try and be happier.  It’s a lot harder than you’d think.  I wasn’t very happy with myself this summer, what with all of the stress, the emotional/sexual frustrations, etc., and that unhappiness has been following me around like a lost puppy ever since.  I had a very long conversation about it a couple weeks ago and I’m trying to make a real effort to change it.  It’s just really hard, you know?  It’s hard to make yourself happy.

I think the issue is that most of the things/people that make me happy aren’t down here: they’re in Chicago or BTown or the flippin’ UK.  So I’m having to find new things to make me happy.  I have Callie, my roommate from this summer, and she is fast becoming one of the closest friends I’ve ever had.  We’re in a very similar situation (that being not liking ourselves), so we’ve been depending a lot on each other to try and balance out the bad feelings with good ones.  And I’ve got Sean, another friend of mine down here, and Brent, my new homo, but we’re still sorting out what our friendships are, where the lines are, what is and isn’t taboo, things like that.  They’re works in progress.  They still take effort.

But I’m trying.  I’m trying to keep busy, but I’m trying to also have time for myself, too.  That balance is really difficult right now and it’s probably the hardest part.  At the same time, I’m trying to not think too much.  When I start thinking, I get upset.  Unfortunately, I spend most of my time thinking.  You can understand why I’m so frustrated with this ‘time for myself’ concept.

School is really hard for me right now.  That doesn’t happen very often.

Probably the biggest thing I’m noticing right now is that I’ve got this deep down, secret urge to go back to things being Fine.  Things were Fine last semester, for the most part.  Fine is easy.  It’s Fine.  You don’t have to think about it, you don’t have to try and improve it, you don’t really have anything to complain about.  It’s probably the only narcotic I will ever truly crave.  You’re not really happy, but you’re sure as hell not sad.  As Sondheim would say, you don’t have the good things and you don’t have the bad things; but you don’t have the good things.  I know what that feels like.  And I’m terribly tempted to go back to it.

I don’t want to be Fine; I want to be Happy.  Honest to G-d Happy.  The problem is that happiness makes you face all the bad things, too.  You have to go through hell to be happy.  It’s scary.  But I think it’s worth it.

There’s this word in German; it’s one of my absolute favourite words: Gemütlichkeit.  It’s one of those words that doesn’t really have a translation into English.  The closest thing we can come to is something along the lines of something being ‘homey’ or ‘cosy’, but it’s so much more than that.  It’s the feeling you get when you come home for the first time in ages and you can smell  your da cooking your favourite meal.  It’s the warmth of your bed after a long, hard day.  It’s the look on your best friend’s face when she sees you coming off the train platform.  It’s being held by that one, special person and knowing that that’s where you belong.

I found that.  Gemütlichkeit.  And I miss it.  I want it back.  I just have to remember that, eventually, I’ll get it back.  I’ll find it again.  But that’s really hard to remember some days.

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