it’s not gonna be much different

I don’t know why, but I’m having a very hard time caring about anything today.  My right leg is aching from five hours of Open House tour giving yesterday, and my left leg is currently asleep.  I stayed in bed until eleven and I’m still in my jimmy jams.  I have a shit-tonne of homework to do, rehearsal this evening, and I have to go tell my RA that I won’t be at the mandatory floor meeting tonight, but I can’t bring myself to get my butt in gear and get on task.  In fact, after I post this, I’m probably going to go curl up back in bed and read Stephen King for a pretty substantial amount of time.  Because I just don’t care this weekend.  I don’t give a hoot.

My constant upset is slowly being replaced by non-stop apathy.  I think this is what my da refers to as ‘Better living through medication’.

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in other news: new season of Curb premieres tonight

I’ve spent the day by myself.  This will serve as an explanation for whatever I say.

I haven’t gotten hardly anything done this weekend.  I’m not really surprised or upset about this, but I probably should fix that.  Yesterday I spend the afternoon chatting up a new friend at a coffeehouse.  It was really kind of cool.  We met to have lunch and I didn’t get home until three-thirty.  Neat.

I just got harassed by some guy who works for Residential Life.  I’m terrified.  I also think I might be losing my voice.  Mrph.  THIS IS WHY I DON’T STAY HOME.

Gah.  College students are jerks.  Okay, I’ll correct myself: undergrad gentlemen are jerks.  And I’m not referring to Mr. RA who just scared the pants off of me (and no, Stacy, we did not have sex due to my lack of pants).

Example: I just got back from the dining hall a little while ago where I was half-heartedly munching on the elusive North Alaskan Square Fish (disgusting and burnt) and the saddest green bean casserole I’ve ever seen.  I went up to drop my dishes off to be cleaned and was cut off by Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Chach.  I was standing at the conveyor belt, very obviously holding soiled dishes, when these guys barreled past me to fling their dishes at the poor student workers and make what I’m sure they titled ‘witty commentary’ on the subject.  Then, once their sainted asses had at last allowed me to set down my dishes as well, half of the Chachland National Guard (which, I’m assuming, they are co-commanders of) formed a phalanx behind me, effectively cutting me off from all civilized life and my way home.

Why?  Why was any of this necessary?

I know that I’m That Kid who sits in the corner of the back room by herself, reading Stephen King and actually eating her vegetables, and I know that I’m about a foot below the eye-level of most eighteen-year-old boys.  I am aware of what a lot of people would call my short-comings (and, yes, they would intend that pun).  But I am breathing, for Christ’s sake.  I do have interests, aspirations, and needs.  I know I’m an incredibly flawed and confused person, but I’m relatively polite, occasionally charming, and not nearly as disgusting or rude as all of the douchemongers who for some reason have decided to stalk my every move this year.

I hate the fact that I have grown out of college.  The ‘Real World’ doesn’t seem any more real or any less irritating, but at least I can feel superior to these idiots because I’ll have my fuckin’ diploma.

Jerks.

quick update at one in the morning on a thursday

Things going on with life right now:

Nightly rehearsals for Company are going pretty well.  The cast is very enthusiastic and quite talented.  It’s going to be a good show.  I’m excited.  I miss working on shows I actually like (cough cough ASU cough cough).

Classes are not terrible.  My Greek/Medieval/Elizabethan staging class is kicking my ass in terms of reading load and Advanced German Grammar feels really hard most of the time, but my grades are doing just fine and I’m really not too concerned.  I’m super-stoked that I took Personal Nutrition, though.  I don’t have to think creatively for that.

Dramaturging a show for Segun is pretty much the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  Jeez Louise.

I’m trying to spend time with friends as much as possible.  I’m trying to come home exhausted so that I fall asleep quicker.  I’m trying to read as much as possible and avoid idle time.  When I need to think, I try to make sure I go for a walk so that I’m motivated (literally) instead of stagnant.  I’m trying to be happy.  It’s kind of hard sometimes.

Tomorrow is an easy day.  Thank you, Jeebus.

it’s my impeccable disorder

Once again, at least a month has passed since I got on WordPress.  I’m horrible at blogging.  Or I’m overly enthusiastic.  Just depends on the day.  Today: horrible.

I’m back down at school.  This is my last year of undergraduate education.  I feel like that should be more troubling than it is.  Of course, I was kind of over the whole thing when Randy and Laramie went and graduated, so maybe that’s why I’m not too bothered by it.  Who knows?

I’m on this campaign right now to try and be happier.  It’s a lot harder than you’d think.  I wasn’t very happy with myself this summer, what with all of the stress, the emotional/sexual frustrations, etc., and that unhappiness has been following me around like a lost puppy ever since.  I had a very long conversation about it a couple weeks ago and I’m trying to make a real effort to change it.  It’s just really hard, you know?  It’s hard to make yourself happy.

I think the issue is that most of the things/people that make me happy aren’t down here: they’re in Chicago or BTown or the flippin’ UK.  So I’m having to find new things to make me happy.  I have Callie, my roommate from this summer, and she is fast becoming one of the closest friends I’ve ever had.  We’re in a very similar situation (that being not liking ourselves), so we’ve been depending a lot on each other to try and balance out the bad feelings with good ones.  And I’ve got Sean, another friend of mine down here, and Brent, my new homo, but we’re still sorting out what our friendships are, where the lines are, what is and isn’t taboo, things like that.  They’re works in progress.  They still take effort.

But I’m trying.  I’m trying to keep busy, but I’m trying to also have time for myself, too.  That balance is really difficult right now and it’s probably the hardest part.  At the same time, I’m trying to not think too much.  When I start thinking, I get upset.  Unfortunately, I spend most of my time thinking.  You can understand why I’m so frustrated with this ‘time for myself’ concept.

School is really hard for me right now.  That doesn’t happen very often.

Probably the biggest thing I’m noticing right now is that I’ve got this deep down, secret urge to go back to things being Fine.  Things were Fine last semester, for the most part.  Fine is easy.  It’s Fine.  You don’t have to think about it, you don’t have to try and improve it, you don’t really have anything to complain about.  It’s probably the only narcotic I will ever truly crave.  You’re not really happy, but you’re sure as hell not sad.  As Sondheim would say, you don’t have the good things and you don’t have the bad things; but you don’t have the good things.  I know what that feels like.  And I’m terribly tempted to go back to it.

I don’t want to be Fine; I want to be Happy.  Honest to G-d Happy.  The problem is that happiness makes you face all the bad things, too.  You have to go through hell to be happy.  It’s scary.  But I think it’s worth it.

There’s this word in German; it’s one of my absolute favourite words: Gemütlichkeit.  It’s one of those words that doesn’t really have a translation into English.  The closest thing we can come to is something along the lines of something being ‘homey’ or ‘cosy’, but it’s so much more than that.  It’s the feeling you get when you come home for the first time in ages and you can smell  your da cooking your favourite meal.  It’s the warmth of your bed after a long, hard day.  It’s the look on your best friend’s face when she sees you coming off the train platform.  It’s being held by that one, special person and knowing that that’s where you belong.

I found that.  Gemütlichkeit.  And I miss it.  I want it back.  I just have to remember that, eventually, I’ll get it back.  I’ll find it again.  But that’s really hard to remember some days.