i was too dumb to settle down

Hello, internet!  Long time, no see.

So for those of you who missed the memo (or don’t check facebook religiously), my ass got dumped two weeks ago.  (I would try to put it more delicately, but I really can’t: that’s what happened.  And following the ass-dumping, I had to drive four hours in order to get back home.  Do you know how hard it is to drive while you’re crying hysterically?  It’s kind of ridiculous.)

So I did what any mature adult would do in the situation: I drank a good deal.  I ran away to somewhere that means nothing to him and everything to me, and I saw people that told me I’m a good person and to fuck the rest.  And I drank some more.  I discovered that there is, in fact, one kind of beer I like, but I can’t remember what it’s called anymore; I’ll have to ask Randy.  I listened to Everclear a lot.  I kissed a bloke I probably shouldn’t have.  I read.  I caught up on Lost.  It was okay.

Sometimes I forget that the world changes, but it doesn’t always have to end.

Naturally, I’ve been doing a bit of soul searching and trying to come up with a new ‘plan’ for how I’m going to do things.  This usually happens to me when I break-up with someone.  I’m not entirely sure if that’s healthy, but it’s keeping my mind occupied.  I think I am going to go to Grad School, hopefully waiting a year between graduation before I go there.  I want to study Theatre for Youth.  My biggest problem with theatre right now is getting stuck working with schmucks who don’t give a shit.  But kids?  Kids care about everything.  I love that.  If I could work with kids and teach them about the thing (at least artistically) that I care about the most, that would be cool.  That would be really, really cool.  And then I’d have a decent excuse to become a professional clown.  

Basically, I want to be my Aunt Mo when I grow up.  I think this is my best career move yet.

Things have gotten harder, since I got back to school.  I’m worried I’m going to run into him.  It hasn’t really hit me that things are over, so I sometimes feel that I’m sort of playacting what it would be like to be dumped by him.  Once I see him, though, and I realise that I can’t run up and hug/kiss/whatever him, it’s going to click.  I don’t want it to click; I’ll admit that.  The lack of phone calls is getting uncomfortably real as it is and I freak out every night thinking he’s dead or missing or something.

I kind of want to know if he’s told his parents yet.  I like his family a lot and they liked me a good deal from what I understand.  After he met me, his father told him, ‘Don’t fuck this one up.’  You can understand my curiosity.

I just wish reality would kick in already.  Then I wouldn’t feel so guilty thinking about the things I’ve been thinking about, especially the things that don’t involve him at all.  I keep feeling like I need to be in mourning or something, and I’m not.  I’m lonely, I’m depressed, I’m bored and moody, but I’m not sad.  Sadness is active; this is just dull.  If I was sad, I’d be so much happier about the situation.

I hate being in the inbetween.