and then he was a she

Best thing I have heard today, spoken by my RA just now: ‘You’re not supposed to suck on the bag, Jojo!’

I’m almost through two weeks of school, which is both a thrilling and terrifying state of being.  Thrilling because it means that I only have a month left until Raisin is over and I can actually turn in assignment on time, and terrifying because it puts me ever closer to graduation and this frustrating, frightening thing I keep hearing about called ‘Adulthood’.  I’ll be 21 in August.  That seems kind of strange today for some reason.

A couple nights ago I went to Wal-Mart (it was late and I needed feminine necessities) and I invested in moisturizer for the first time in my life.  It really was an investment, too; that shit is crazy expensive.  It wasn’t something I really wanted to do: I have this odd fear of things like tampons and conditioner and other girly items that I’m forcing myself to become accommodated with, but the weather’s been so awful to my skin this winter and I really wasn’t keen on my face looking and feeling like my hands do.  So I bought moisturizer.  And I thought, ‘Wow.  I’m a girl.’

I don’t really think of myself as female.  I never have.  And I don’t think of myself as male, either, I just kind of think of myself in some sort of genderless, amorphic state that I usually just refer to as ‘me’.  I’ve never really enjoyed things that I hear girls are supposed to enjoy.  I don’t like to go out dancing or shopping for clothes and I don’t have manicures or facials or a whole closet full of shoes.  I’m not always comfortable with my body and when/if I’m having sex with a male person, I’m well aware of what is going on and how I’m involved in this.  So, yeah, I know, I have a vagina and could probably carry a child in my womb if you paid me enough.  I get that.  I’m not delusional.  That doesn’t mean I’m going to be completely comfortable with buying tampons and picking out prom dresses.

For the record, I asked my mum to make my prom dress specifically because I didn’t feel comfortable going shopping for one.  Take that, Von Maur.

I don’t really know where this is going.  I’m just shooting the shit right now.

I just wonder if this sort of thing happens to other people.  If one day you’re in the shop, buying food or clothes or soap or something, and all the sudden you become intensely aware of your gender and your age and your status in life and you have no idea how to feel about that.  I don’t know how I feel about being a ‘young woman’.  Or, more specifically, a ‘woman’.  I’ve never been a ‘woman’.  I never really wanted to be a ‘woman’.  It seemed like a kind of shoddy deal.  Maybe it’s because girls can’t make their genitals wave at people.

Of course, regardless of my gender, I still have to go to rehearsal today.

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. erik
    Jan 22, 2009 @ 16:24:28

    i’m at peace with my penis, but it doesn’t stop my from breaking a lot of gender rules. furthermore, i’m attracted to androgyny as a general look, and i think it’s respectable when people act like themselves regardless of who they “should” be in terms of age, gender, race, religion, ellipsis. i think you and i exist in a relatively small social bubble of friends who take us as we are. don’t forget that there’s an entire world of macho men and dainty women who could use a new gender role paradigm. girly, butch, or barbie crotch, it makes no difference to me. and don’t worry, because when you’re old, your kooch will get all floppy and you can wave it at strangers all day long.

    p.s. i lotion up like everyday. it’s not girly, it’s just necessary in winter.

    Reply

  2. Christie-Bonnie
    Jan 22, 2009 @ 18:30:03

    …I actually find that particular attribute of the male genitals quite distressing… There are some things/people who simply don’t need to say hello to me…

    Reply

  3. Asbjorn
    Jan 25, 2009 @ 22:11:25

    Well. I have to say, I came of age in the 1960s and one of the first things people I hung with did was to toss out gender shit as much as we personally could. Do not take definitions seriousl. They will change your whole life and you will be the one changing them. But, I have to say, I have always loved dancing. I don’t think of that as boy or girl. Dancing is what you do when the music is great. Maybe that is because when I turned thirteen the Beatles showed up and Motown took over and we had dances every fucking week and it was also a way to have physical contact with the other sex (this was before teenagers were allowed to have real sex in public).

    I’m with Erik on the subject of being at peace with the genital representation. Although I will say that he (the GT) has gotten me in a bunch of shit along the way. So it goes; the drive will always be there for me.

    Also, I am with Erik on the lotion business. These days (and really as long as I can remember) men that I knew were lotioning when the situation called for it. That’s a false thing, that men don’t use moisturizer. Check any football locker room and you will find at least a couple of people putting something on their dry, rough spots. Anyway, hand lotion is very useful when you are twelve or thirteen year old boy. Since you didn’t have a penis you probably weren’t seeking lubrication, per se.

    ” … male genitals quite distressing …” must admit I laughed outloud at this. She is right about not needing that hello.

    Reply

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