if you’re sad, then it’s time you spoke up, too

I have this strong suspicion that there’s going to be a lot of utterly awful days in my future.  Today happened to be one of them.

I have yet to finish either of the two papers due this week.  I don’t know if I’m going to sleep tonight.  I just know that I need to stop writing papers for a little while because my current attempts are FRUITLESS.  And I don’t mean that in the gay way.  Though that, too, is going on.  If I write something, it’s relatively decent.  But that paragraph of decency is surrounded by a good half-hour of writer’s block, so I’m getting nothing but frustration and a headache out of writing.  Jesus.

My fish is dead.  Upsetting, but I figured it would happen sooner or later.  Jesus.

My actors don’t comprehend the idea of ‘acting’.  I don’t understand what’s so difficult about this concept.  It doesn’t really matter what I do: they can’t seem to figure out that maybe the characters they’re playing are real people with real emotions and that they ought to try and capture that humanity.  Whatever.  I’m sure I’m blowing something out of my ass.

I’m pretty sure I’m never, ever going to graduate now.  And when I do, I’m pretty sure I’ll be the only person I know on campus.

I’m worried that I won’t get to spend any time with Paiga when she comes down to visit.  At the same time, I’m pretty sure I would sacrifice my firstborn child for some quality Paige time.  Certain things are more important than others, you know?  Fuck school.  Fuck life.  Fuck fuck fuck.

My grandma’s getting sent to the nursing home tomorrow.  She tried to escape from the hospital three times in her first twenty-four hours of being there.  The third time they called Security and found her wandering around on another floor, lost and confused.  When they brought her back to her room, my grandfather was sitting in there, reading the paper.  Figured there was nothing he could do.  This is completely FUCKED.  HOW COULD YOU DO THAT???  I don’t understand how you can treat someone like this, especially not when you’ve been married to them for over SIXTY.  FUCKING.  YEARS.  I’m pretty sure my grandfather is going to die with me hating him.  But at least at the nursing home, someone will take care of her.  She’s going to be miserable.  She’s going to get violent.  She’s going to think I’m my mum.  I can’t stand the thought of going home.  I can’t stand the fact that my family is incapable of functioning without me.  My da kept talking about divorcing my mum on Saturday.  I don’t know how to handle this.  I don’t think I can handle this.  So instead I’m sitting here in my room, ignoring my paper, crying, bitching about it, because I am incapable of functioning as a healthy human being.

Looten was bitching about how awful today was.  How awful school is.  How awful Carbondale is.  I told him he didn’t know shit.  I almost punched him.  He was like, ‘Well, you can go home in two weeks!’  If Lisa hadn’t stopped me, I would’ve screamed at him.  Home.  Home used to be someplace I wanted to go to.  Somewhere I missed.  And this was all pretty recent.  Now I’m dreading home and feeling bad about it because I am the only adult I know back home.  Fuck.  Fuck fuck fuck this isn’t fair.

My da would whoop my ass for writing this stuff on the internet.  I hope he never finds it.

I need a hug right now.  I need someone to hug me really, really tight and refuse to let go and tell me that everything’s going to be okay.  Not now, maybe, but soon.  Soon it’s going to be okay.  You just have to get through this, you know?  I need that so, so badly right now.  I need someone else to be the grown-up for a while.

I need to write my fucking papers.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. erik
    Dec 02, 2008 @ 14:26:35

    “to say i stumbled in impenetrable darkness, no, i cannot. i stumbled, but the darkness was not impenetrable.”


  2. Asbjorn
    Dec 04, 2008 @ 01:04:31

    It does seem like a dark time for us all. I suppose the only useful thing I can tell you is that this will pass, there will be fun, we will all see Paige and have quality time with her italics some end italics day. I am sorry about your grandparents; that is the function of living a bit too long. What’s the point of having a life if you are turned into an awful person? Of course, I have a five year old perfectly capable of treating me like total shit. It’s not her fault, but it is still bad. And hard to live with. So hard. As for your dad and mom’s relationship, that should be between them and they shouldn’t be telling you what they are thinking about unless they have decided to do it already. I know your dad is a good guy, but it isn’t right for him to talk with you about how shitty things are with your mother. Every marriage is full of that sort of thing along the way. Maybe they’ll come to some sort of understanding. Maybe they won’t. But it shouldn’t be anything you should worry about.

    And as for actors acting, well Darling, as an actor I have often had directors ask me when I was going to start acting after I had thought I had put some pretty decent work into creating a real person. You are dealing with children (anybody under the age of 25) and they haven’t lived enough to even know what it means to be a real person. Therefore it will be a big time pain for you to elicit actual acting from this group. When you have lemons you should make lemonade. Or, as Bourdain says, a great cook makes the best food out of whatever ingredients he has handy. That’s the goal.

    And anyway, in 87 days it will be march and winter will be essentially over. And before that is 1/20/09. That will be a day we will all be happy, even if we are grumpy and pissed at everybody. Hey, we miss you in Urbana. Just so you know.


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