if stupid is as stupid does then i’m the stupid king

Segun said my staging was ‘beautiful’.  He berated my good actor and praised my bad actor, which was frustrating, but I think I got an okay grade on the project.  Thank heaven for small favours.

I’ve been having a great many conversations recently where people in my department — usually people I consider to be friendly with me — approach me and reveal that they were, at one time or another, terrified of me.  Most of the time this revolves around the black hair phase of my freshman year, which is completely understandable.  I didn’t want to be friendly with people.  That’s why I dyed my hair.  But now that I am back to being blonde and orphan-like, I’m confused and vaguely offended by the idea of people being afraid of me.  I had one of these conversations tonight, actually, and it really hurt for some reason.  Naturally, I was informed that this is because I have an ‘aggressive presence’ and it’s not a bad thing, of course, it’s just how I am, but I really don’t believe that.

I try to be approachable most of the time; I really, really do.  I know I can have my moods and I can be surly and bitchy and all of that, but who doesn’t do that on occasion?  And when I’m stage managing, I’m a different person than when I’m not, especially if you’re not doing your job or distracting others.  But on a normal day with normal circumstances, I try to be friendly, nice, and personable.  If all of this is the case, why are people afraid of me?  Am I a scary person?  Do I come off as a total creeper?  If this is the case, I’d like to know.  I like who I am at least 70% of the time, and from what I’ve come to understand, most other people like me too.  It’s not a huge issue if someone doesn’t like me and I’m not going to dwell on that, but I don’t really want people to be afraid of me.  Not when I’m just being me.

I don’t know.  Am I scary, guys?

I’ve discovered something kind of interesting about myself.  I think I’ve always known it in the back of my mind, but I’d never really acknowledged it before now: I could never, ever date a creationist.  Now if they were like I am (the world was created by some mystical force, then evolved), that’s totally kosher.  Evolution exists, rah rah rah!  But someone who doesn’t think evolution is a reality or suggests that Adam and Eve lived next door to Mr and Mrs T-Rex?  That’s something I just couldn’t deal with.  I couldn’t date someone who was a staunch conservative, either.  Especially not if they hated abortion and the gays.  Firstly, I’m half gay.  How could you date me if you hated gays?  And since I know people who have gone through abortions, that would be an issue because you’re trashing my friends.  And Kirius don’t fly like that.  Maybe this is closed-minded of me; I don’t know.  It’s not like I won’t talk to people like this or debate religion and politics with them: you’ve got an opinion and that’s neat; I have one too!  But I just couldn’t come home to that kind of atmosphere.  That would end badly.

Maybe this is why people are afraid of me.

I’m  having self-contentment issues.  And severe withdrawal from certain people, even though I saw them within the past week.  Remind me again why I went to a school four-to-six hours away from civilisation?

I need to enjoy myself again.  Or at least feel like I’m worth the time of day.  Angst angst angst.

My roommate’s over here with her boyfriend.  This is the first time I’ve seen her since I got back.  And I’m on the computer listening to Tullycraft.  This is how I interact with people.  Good for you, girl.


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. erik
    Oct 24, 2008 @ 14:24:36

    every time we hang out, i worry that i’ll say something wrong and you’ll beat me up for it. you are a terrifying jerk, kiri.


  2. thedunce
    Oct 25, 2008 @ 18:14:35

    Boy, oh boy, do I ever identify.


  3. threeflower
    Oct 29, 2008 @ 17:46:54

    Cuz we all know how prone you are to drop-kicking folks in the jaw.

    Whatever. Sometimes people are just sensitive. Honestly, if this person is afraid of you they’d think I was like the antichrist. Or at least Beelezebub (sp?). Or something. That’s totally weird. Also, having an aggressive presence isn’t the same as being aggressive. It just means you have a strong personality and a lot of willpower, which is true. You like to get shit done. This, last I checked, was a positive trait.

    Tell me who this person is and I’ll beat them up and then I’ll be the one with an aggressive presence. This is clearly the best plan.

    I couldn’t date someone if they hated gay people. And I couldn’t date someone if they hated abortion and hated evolution and *gave me shit* for liking them. I’ve been friends with plenty of folks whose views differed from me, and as long as they don’t give me shit or secretly pray for me at night I honestly don’t care. The gay people thing is something I just can’t get past. I’m cool with hating a concept; I’m not cool with hating an entire group of people. That is, in fact, lame.

    (…Malcolm Clark loves gay people.)


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