i’m a mess

Chicago was wonderful.  Emotionally jarring at times, but so much better than what my life has been like recently that I can’t even begin to explain.  Unfortunately, I was on Michigan Avenue for the entirety of Friday, so I didn’t get to see certain people I wanted to see (namely Erik-san).  I still love you!!  I was showing my friend Jenn (she’s from Cleveland) around and Chicago to her is the Miracle Mile.  I have never felt more uncomfortable in my life.

Coming back was awful.  I forced myself to sleep so I didn’t cry the entire way.  Almost got off at Champaign, just so I wouldn’t have to come back here.  But here I am.  And I’m losing my mind.

So my brother is coming.  And he’s picking me up.  And I’m going home for a couple of days to sort some stuff out.  I think I’m going to try and talk to my parents about transferring.  I just can’t live like this anymore; it’s not healthy.  I need a change.  Even if that change is living in my parents’ basement for a couple of years, at least it’s close to the people I care about.  The two or three friends I have down here are great, but they don’t know me like you guys do.  They can’t help me.  And as soon as they’re gone, I lose control and I’m scared.  I’m so, so scared…

I’ve never skipped days of school before.  That scares me too.

I’ve got three possible transfer schools written down: UIC, ISU, and Chicago State.  I hope this works out.  Jesus.


4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sneemus
    Oct 20, 2008 @ 23:37:34

    Hey there, crazy pants.

    First off: don’t drop out. Seriously, don’t. Yes, I understand that you are having a shit time and are miserable, totally miserable. I’m not saying I’m feeling all that your feeling, but I’ve had my share of the blues and the howling reds and the thing is they are absolutely not worth not having a degree, even one in the theater. Don’t drop out. You only have one more year and you can knock off credits over summer/winter break and/or online.

    If you seriously can’t take it, you might considering at least looking at some transfer programs. Yes, I know you have a full ride at SIU but it’s always possible you could finagle a similar aid package some other place. Yes, I know it’s unlikely, but– and this is the thing– what could you possibly loose by looking? At least you’d have a way to fill the time. Besides, y’know… catharsis-ing all over the blogosphere. 🙂

    Hang in there, little tomato.


  2. erik
    Oct 21, 2008 @ 00:17:06

    i’m kind of impressed that you only skipped days. i’m transferring. as a senior. and i stressed out about it so bad that, with no other excuse, i skipped two weeks. no explanation, either. and that was pretty dumb of me. because this semester still matters to my all my potential transfer schools. (siu is one of them, so if you end of staying there, we can commiserate, maybe form a suicide pact.)
    would you transfer to a different school and keep your major? or are your woes over what to do with the rest of your life, sans theatre?


  3. Christie-Bonnie
    Oct 21, 2008 @ 01:25:52

    Come to me! Actually… I suppose you’re already here… We will talk soon love, perhaps I will call you on my dinner break–such as it is. You know I always have an ear/shoulder/bed for you if you need it.



  4. Christie-Bonnie
    Oct 21, 2008 @ 01:26:29

    P.S.–seriously, what is that little green picture???


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