while you drink yourself high on hoping

So today is (was) Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish new year.  I think I prefer the Jewish new year (or, as my brother and I decided to dub it, Jew Year) to New Year’s as we understand it.  Jew Year feels more like a new start: change, hope, consolation.  Today was absolutely gorgeous: blue sky, crisp early autumn weather, a nice breeze, plenty of sun.  I honestly felt all day that things were going to start again, that life was giving me another chance.  I was inspired this morning when David (my playwrighting teacher and SIU’s resident cranky old Jew queen) wished me a Happy New Year and then, later, invited me to go to Yom Kippur services with him next week.  I felt so special: so full and happy and warm.  Like I belonged.  That doesn’t happen to me a lot these days.  Walking home from the Comm Building, I was revived.  I went to the dining hall for my first ‘real’ meal in weeks: pasta, carrots, apples and honey.  It was delicious.  Then I walked down to the lake to throw in bread crumbs and talk to G-d.  It was really cool.  And, as cheesy as this is going to sound, I felt connected.  I felt saved, which is a really weird thing for me.  I went to rehearsal happy and ready for most anything, despite the fact that I’m losing my voice and am coughing like crazy.  It was wonderful.

This is why I’m still determined to convert.  Days like this.  Not saying it’s for everyone, but it sure seems to be working for me.  I’m thankful for that.

My mum’s coming to town on Thursday.  I really miss her.  I can’t wait to see her.  I’m glad that I miss her.  Our relationship has been so strained recently because of everything that’s going on with my grandparents.  But she seems to be doing okay right now.  She’s working on Guys and Dolls, which isn’t really exciting her, but it gets her out of the house in the evenings and limits the amount of time my grandparents can occupy.  She’s also putting her name in for a new job.  Still with ISU, still working in the Dean of Students department (is that the right term?), but it’ll have new responsibilities, new duties, etc.  She’s been at the same job since I was six.  SHE NEEDS A CHANGE.  

Last week was really hard on my family; one of those weekends where I feel simultaneously guilty and thankful about going so far away for school.  BTown got flooded and my grandparents’ sump pump backed up.  J brought his roommate, Brent, over and everyone had to clean out the basement.  From what I hear, it was an absolute nightmare.  I’m sure I’ll hear more from my mum on Thursday, but what I’ve heard was positively awful.  So awful, in fact, that J emailed my absent uncle with pictorial evidence of the chaos and a plea for assistance concerning moving my grandparents into a home.  I hope things are getting better, but at the same time, I kind of know they’re not.

Blah blah blah.  Family shit.

I’ve recently discovered something about people.  There are certain people, many of which I seem to be acquainted with, who are always ‘on’.  They are always charming, always attractively attired (if not attractively, at least amusingly), always peppy and funny and ON.  They wake up in the morning knowing exactly what they’re going to do, exactly what their reaction is going to be to every tiny little stimulus they come across.  I feel like these people disappear when there’s no one else around.  There are a great many of these people in my life right now, and I really don’t know what to do with them.  They puzzle me.  I am completely outside of these people.  Whenever they include me in one of their inside jokes, I feel like I need to excuse myself.  I can be peppy and charming and attractively attired (IT IS POSSIBLE, I SWEAR), but normally, I’m just kind of goofy and sarcastic and, you know, stuff.  Me.  Certain people make me silly and certain people make me curmudgeonly and I am constantly caught off-guard by others and it’s been working pretty well for me for the past twenty years, thank you, I don’t intend to change.

So I see these people around me who are constantly ‘on’ and I wonder how they live with themselves.  How they have that quiet alone time.  How they come to grips with any kind of dark reality.  And sometimes I wonder if stuff like that ever happens to them, or if, by being constantly ‘on’, you are immune to anything sad or mundane or hard.  And I wonder if maybe I am doing something wrong.  If I am, I’m certainly not going to become a person who is constantly ‘on’; I don’t have the constitution for that.  I’d probably say something snarky and make someone cry and be kicked out of the ‘On’ Club.  Heh.

Still, though.  I wonder what it’s like to be perfect.  It must be very sad.

I’m going to Chicago in a couple weeks.  Should get in late Thursday the 16th.  I want to see Paiga and Erik-san.  My demand is placed.  I’ll be staying at the Jew House (mostly because I’m not sure what your guys’ roommate situations are like and they have kitties) and I’ve got to see a friend from out of town, but my life is pretty free.  And I want to see y’all.  PLAN YOUR LIFE AROUND MEEEEEEEE.

I jest.  But only a little.  ^_^

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. erik
    Oct 01, 2008 @ 15:40:17

    you are coming! i am drunk with high hopes.

    Reply

  2. Asbjorn
    Oct 02, 2008 @ 00:39:22

    The real new year for those of us from a northern european persuasion is of course Samhain, the first of November in the roman calendar that the xtians have pressed on us. And the night before the new year, Samhain’s eve, was taken over by the priests and renamed All Soul’s Day eve, but they kept the proper celtic pronunciation of Samhain (Sow-een) giving us, All Hallows Eve, or “hallo” + “ween”. But, truly, it is the beginning of the next year. The Harvest has come in. Time for a party, and that night is the night you can talk to the spirit of your ancestors. Ghosts to you modern xtian-propagandized folks. Now the new year is mainly about candy sales. But for some of us, it is the real new year. Pre-dates the hebrew calendar, also, though they claim different. But they actually made up the first 2500 years of their calendar by calculating all those 900 hundred year old guys in the pentateuch. Even now we can see that those listed ages are really month ages and not year ages. But tell that to Sara I’m a Palin’ and she’ll tell you about the dinosaurs that were around but didn’t make it onto the ark.

    You sound good. We are going to Chicago not this weekend, but the next. And we are planning on staying at Paige’s place. Be well. We are dealing on a daily basis.

    Reply

  3. erik
    Oct 02, 2008 @ 20:56:45

    i don’t know about y’all, but my new year starts on may 7. maybe i’m just narcissitic.

    Reply

  4. Asbjorn
    Oct 04, 2008 @ 00:17:04

    Without a doubt, erik, small e man. Without any doubt. narcisstic.

    Reply

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