maybe she’s gone to mars

The past twenty-four hours have been exceptional.

Clarky came to town.  I haven’t gotten to see him since summer.  He’s in town until Saturday afternoon.  We’ve been nerdy and elitist since he got here, and it’s been really wonderful to have his presence around again.  He’s a good person for me to be around.  In addition to that, Bozarth called me last night to inform me that he was driving down south to come see me.  Awesome!  He was only here until three or so this morning, but it was wonderful to get to see him and do a little bit of catching up.  He’s been having a rough time back at home.  I worry about him sometimes.  And now my college friends don’t think I made him up.  That’s always nice.

Tonight we’re having a little party at the apartment where Clarky’s staying: nothing terribly exciting, but it should be fun.  Then there’s No Shame tonight at the theatre building, and I’m going to read a piece I wrote with a friend of mine.  My playwrighting class heard the first version, but I did a massive rewrite (as per my teacher’s request) and I think it’s a lot better now.  More mysterious.  Kind of creepy.  I like it.  I’m sure that’s Randy’s influence.

My buddy Tony is driving up from Birmingham.  He should be in sometime this evening; maybe even coming to No Shame.  We’re supposed to go grab breakfast tomorrow morning, which’ll be good.  He’s a good guy.  I’m in guy-friend heaven right now.  I’ve seen almost all of my boys this weekend.  It makes me so wondrously happy.

It is glorious outside.  Low 70s, breezy, sunny, but pleasantly so.  I’ve got the windows wide open and am loving the fact.  I also got to pet a six-month-old husky baby.  Oh my goodness.  I may or may not have cried out of joy.  I’ll never tell.

You know, I hate to admit this?  But physical contact really does do wonders for your mental condition.

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if stupid is as stupid does then i’m the stupid king

Segun said my staging was ‘beautiful’.  He berated my good actor and praised my bad actor, which was frustrating, but I think I got an okay grade on the project.  Thank heaven for small favours.

I’ve been having a great many conversations recently where people in my department — usually people I consider to be friendly with me — approach me and reveal that they were, at one time or another, terrified of me.  Most of the time this revolves around the black hair phase of my freshman year, which is completely understandable.  I didn’t want to be friendly with people.  That’s why I dyed my hair.  But now that I am back to being blonde and orphan-like, I’m confused and vaguely offended by the idea of people being afraid of me.  I had one of these conversations tonight, actually, and it really hurt for some reason.  Naturally, I was informed that this is because I have an ‘aggressive presence’ and it’s not a bad thing, of course, it’s just how I am, but I really don’t believe that.

I try to be approachable most of the time; I really, really do.  I know I can have my moods and I can be surly and bitchy and all of that, but who doesn’t do that on occasion?  And when I’m stage managing, I’m a different person than when I’m not, especially if you’re not doing your job or distracting others.  But on a normal day with normal circumstances, I try to be friendly, nice, and personable.  If all of this is the case, why are people afraid of me?  Am I a scary person?  Do I come off as a total creeper?  If this is the case, I’d like to know.  I like who I am at least 70% of the time, and from what I’ve come to understand, most other people like me too.  It’s not a huge issue if someone doesn’t like me and I’m not going to dwell on that, but I don’t really want people to be afraid of me.  Not when I’m just being me.

I don’t know.  Am I scary, guys?

I’ve discovered something kind of interesting about myself.  I think I’ve always known it in the back of my mind, but I’d never really acknowledged it before now: I could never, ever date a creationist.  Now if they were like I am (the world was created by some mystical force, then evolved), that’s totally kosher.  Evolution exists, rah rah rah!  But someone who doesn’t think evolution is a reality or suggests that Adam and Eve lived next door to Mr and Mrs T-Rex?  That’s something I just couldn’t deal with.  I couldn’t date someone who was a staunch conservative, either.  Especially not if they hated abortion and the gays.  Firstly, I’m half gay.  How could you date me if you hated gays?  And since I know people who have gone through abortions, that would be an issue because you’re trashing my friends.  And Kirius don’t fly like that.  Maybe this is closed-minded of me; I don’t know.  It’s not like I won’t talk to people like this or debate religion and politics with them: you’ve got an opinion and that’s neat; I have one too!  But I just couldn’t come home to that kind of atmosphere.  That would end badly.

Maybe this is why people are afraid of me.

I’m  having self-contentment issues.  And severe withdrawal from certain people, even though I saw them within the past week.  Remind me again why I went to a school four-to-six hours away from civilisation?

I need to enjoy myself again.  Or at least feel like I’m worth the time of day.  Angst angst angst.

My roommate’s over here with her boyfriend.  This is the first time I’ve seen her since I got back.  And I’m on the computer listening to Tullycraft.  This is how I interact with people.  Good for you, girl.

i’d fallen down an elevator shaft

So I’m back in Carbondale.  I almost lost it on the train from Champaign, but I managed to recover by diving headlong into essays I’ve been putting off.  Now I’m almost completely caught up on homework, and the stuff I’m not caught up on I can completely fake.  Thank you, AP Wang.  I’m feeling a little less violently opposed to school right now.  I feel like I was so completely miserable in J’s crack den of an apartment that my dorm looks immaculate (looks immaculate; it smells like someone had a fajita orgy and not in a good way) and the prospect of being berated by Segun sound amazing because it’s something to do.  I’m going to pretend that this was his plan because it worked so splendidly.

I talked to my da a little Tuesday morning.  He said we would talk about the transferring thing.  He said that money is definitely a factor and agreed that that’s probably why Mum went so crazy on me Sunday evening.  But he reminded me that I need to consider the future a little bit and that coming back to BTown probably meant living in the basement and definitely meant being near my grandparents (a reality I have successfully avoided for half the year for the past three years).  He said that he wouldn’t be opposed to me transferring if we got to talk about it, but that he didn’t think it was a good idea to transfer to a school I hadn’t visited.  Which makes a lot of sense.  I don’t know.  I’m going to call home this weekend and try to talk to both of them about it at the same time.  I’m nervous that my mum’s going to chew me out about it.  Jesus.

I definitely need a change, though.  I’m thinking about splurging on acne medication and Crest White Strips.  Just to have some control over life.  I’m thinking about starting to run, doing sit-ups, becoming vegetarian.  I’m thinking about applying to What Not To Wear.  Something.  Anything.  I need things to be different enough that I don’t feel like killing myself just to have something to do.

NO GUYS.  I AM NOT SUICIDAL.  I’m too practical for that kind of thing.

Justin pointed out something to me this weekend: all of my relationships can be well described by a ’90’s alt rock sound.  In particular, songs by Everclear or Semisonic.  I was thinking on this right now, and I’ve compiled a rough list.  Observe:

Bozarth: In Another Life by Semisonic.

Marion: So Much for the Afterglow by Everclear.

Matt: FNT by Semisonic.

Tony: I Will Buy You A New Life by Everclear.

Randy: Falling by Semisonic or Thrift Store Chair by Everclear, depending on the day and the discussion at hand.

I feel like this says something about me personally, but I don’t know what that would be.  Probably nothing good.  Or that I definitely grew up in the ’90’s.

Go read your Brockett, Kiri.  Jeez Louise.

i need to sort out my head

My first day away from school.  I am going vaguely crazy from the mess that is my brother’s apartment.  I’ve watched a lot of needless television.  This is very, very strange.

I’ve decided that I’m going to think about transferring.  I talked to my mum last night on the phone and she went ballistic when I brought up the possibility of transferring.  I’m pretty sure this is only because school is paid for down south, which is infuriating.  I am beyond frustrated with her right now.

Regardless, I’ve got three schools on my list.  If my parents aren’t willing to help me financially speaking, I’ve got to keep an eye on expenses.  So right now, I’m focusing on UIC and ISU.  I’m thinking of Chicago State, too, but I don’t think they have any sort of theatre programme.  It would be the best for expenses, but I don’t know how many of my credits would transfer.  Damn damn damn.

So I’m going to send in my UIC application as soon as I get a printer (the online application was ridiculously confusing; I think I might have screwed something up on it).  It’s a forty dollar fee to apply, but I think I’ve got that much in my checking account.  If I can get Mum to talk to me again, I’ll see if she can find a way for me to waive the fee on the ISU app.  Let’s see how this goes.

Meanwhile, I have a couple of papers I need to write and then send in to my teachers.  I’m having a hard time convincing myself to write them.  

I’m heading back down south Wednesday.  I really hope I don’t go crazy by then.

i’m a mess

Chicago was wonderful.  Emotionally jarring at times, but so much better than what my life has been like recently that I can’t even begin to explain.  Unfortunately, I was on Michigan Avenue for the entirety of Friday, so I didn’t get to see certain people I wanted to see (namely Erik-san).  I still love you!!  I was showing my friend Jenn (she’s from Cleveland) around and Chicago to her is the Miracle Mile.  I have never felt more uncomfortable in my life.

Coming back was awful.  I forced myself to sleep so I didn’t cry the entire way.  Almost got off at Champaign, just so I wouldn’t have to come back here.  But here I am.  And I’m losing my mind.

So my brother is coming.  And he’s picking me up.  And I’m going home for a couple of days to sort some stuff out.  I think I’m going to try and talk to my parents about transferring.  I just can’t live like this anymore; it’s not healthy.  I need a change.  Even if that change is living in my parents’ basement for a couple of years, at least it’s close to the people I care about.  The two or three friends I have down here are great, but they don’t know me like you guys do.  They can’t help me.  And as soon as they’re gone, I lose control and I’m scared.  I’m so, so scared…

I’ve never skipped days of school before.  That scares me too.

I’ve got three possible transfer schools written down: UIC, ISU, and Chicago State.  I hope this works out.  Jesus.

let me through

I have been in a foul mood this evening.  I don’t really know why, but I’ve been reacting very fiercely to most everything in my life.  Here is a list of things that have been pissing me off:

 

1. The costumes from Midsummer.

2. The actions of my mum’s director (who is an idiot).

3. Anything having to do with 3/4s of the Journeys scripts.

4. Anything having to do with the director I had for Full Monty.

5. Most of the actresses in the department.

6. My roommate touching my things.

 

Now a big part of most of these things is the fact that I’m tired and not packed, even though I need to be.  And when I’m tired and not packed, even though I need to be, my usually mild OCD kicks in and I am in desperate need of something to control.  This is where the ‘touching my things’ thing comes in, but more on that in a second.  The more I think about the fact that I didn’t get in to Journeys, the more it bothers me.  Especially now that so many of the scripts are bad.  BAD.  I mean, mine wasn’t great or anything, but it was at least directable.  That’s kind of a good thing for a play to be.

I’ve noticed that nothing drives me crazier when I am already feeling insecure and self-conscious than when other people touch my stuff without permission.  This could be anything from moving my laundry out of the dryer to unplugging my mouse to making out with people whom I have strong relationships with.  It really, really gets to me.  And that sounds really creepy and more than a little manic, but it honestly gets to me like none other.  I want to start cutting bitches.  This is why I have a deep amount of concern for my mental well-being.  

Chelsea’s gotten really bad about this.  More specifically, Chelsea’s boyfriend has gotten really bad about this.  He has this terrible habit of stacking all of his overnight shit on my side of the sink.  This wouldn’t be a big deal if it weren’t for the fact that he builds a wall of his crap in front of the tiny back corner where I keep my toothbrush and contact lense case.  So, effectively, I cannot get to my things.  So I usually slam his stuff onto Chelsea’s side of the sink in hopes that he’ll wake up and I’ll get to confront him about it (I am never keener for a fight than when it’s late and I get home and can’t swiftly get my contacts out.  I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL THEN).  Of course, Matt sleeps like the dead, so this confrontation will never, ever happen.  Damn.

Man.  I want to pick a fight.  This is comically ridiculous.

I’m going to spend all of tomorrow night bitching with Marina.  And I’m going to spend Friday morning with Jenn and Friday afternoon with friends from home and hopefully do something fun with Randy once he gets back from New York.  And I’m not going to be in Carbondale.  And that is the sweetest thought I have had in a very, very long time.

I need to get out of here.  This town is killing me.

you’re looking skinny like a model

In two days, I will be in Chicago.  I very well may pee myself.

I’ve discovered this wonderful anomaly.  I’ve already started working on a show for next semester, A Raisin in the Sun.  Once again, I’m working with Segun.  It’s good for me to work with him.  He’s horribly disorganised as a teacher, but he cares so much about theatre and working on a show with him is wonderful.  This means that I’m spending even more time with him than usual.  Since we are working on an African American classic, the fact that I am a honky is even more obvious than usual (and considering how obvious it usually is, this makes it even more enjoyable of an experience).  I’ve noticed this trend where every time someone brings up an artist of colour (Shuggie Otis, Etta James, Bob Marley) and I get excited (OMG I HEART THEM!), Segun looks both surprised and amused.  I’ve explained to him on several occasions that it is possible for white girls like me to discover Black artists, but he gets so many damn kicks over it that I’m not inclined to consider being offended.  Although I may have to start rapping Eazy-E lyrics at him or tuck Outkast albums under his door if this continues.

And it was at this point in time that Kiri thanked those friends who introduced her to such artists.

I did this really awesome thing today where I threw out my lower back.  This is causing some definite discomfort for me and I’m quickly becoming tired of it.  So much for doing crunches everyday again.  Regardless, I bought a heating pad for the sake of my sanity and have been using it pretty liberally for the past few hours.  I think a hot shower and Auntie Mo’s cooling cream is in pretty swift order.  I just hope it eases up by the time I have to sit on a train for six+ hours.

Which is SOOOOOON!!!  Thank goodness.

This whole ‘dating’ thing is weird.  I’m not sure how I feel about it yet.  I’m not even sure if I’m even doing it yet.  I’ll write more on that later.

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